I was speaking with someone once long ago about the shit line that some guys will pull up-front – the whole “I’m just going to hurt you” type of comment. The gal I was speaking to had definitely heard this before — from her then-husband when they first started dating. I did not know this when I heard the song which inspired the conversation.
Essentially, if someone right off the bat flat out TELLS me that they will just end up hurting me, guess what? This train stops right now and I am getting the freak OFF. Why? Because essentially I was just told that I had fair warning that I will be abused in the future and that if I proceed with this relationship in any capacity, it WILL happen. I have been warned, after all. What I told my friend was that basically if someone tells me right out of the gate “I’m a dick and don’t respect you enough to treat you with … well, respect” then I’ve got enough self-esteem to say “Ok, nice meeting you. Have a good life.”
What boggled my mind is that my friend never actually thought about this before. Hell, she MARRIED the jerk and then was all butt-hurt when he turned out to be … a jerk! As advertised. So as I see it, this statement is a power play which immediately puts the on-notice person into the “you will really have to work for my approval” category and for some reason, many people actually fall for it. Make excuses, as my friend did.
- He didn’t really mean that.
- I bet my love will redeem him.
- I love a strong man like that.
- Ooooo, a challenge.
*headdesk* All of these are rationalizations. Be prepared for the future abuse in whatever form! It’s a power game aimed at control and safety for the abuser.
But there’s a female equivalent which has never really been called out and I’m going to call it out now.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
*blink*blink* So you are giving me notice that you are a raging bitch some days and candy sweet other days? That you are abusive, and then expect to be forgiven once the storm has passed — and it happens regularly enough you have to laughingly warn me about it. I call bullshit. Let me rephrase that to more accurately reflect every person that I am personally aware of who actively uses this mantra: “I’m abusive, and if you want the good parts then you’ll take the bad as part of the package without questioning it or holding me accountable for it.”
Sure everyone has bad days, and everyone deals with bad days differently. That’s not what this line refers to though. It’s a much bigger statement than “I sometimes have bad days and might be cranky then.” But if someone uses this line to justify and excuse their abusive, shitty, self-centered rage fests, then I’m outta there. That person’s “best” is definitely not sufficient payment to endure their “worst”.
Think of this physical example: bad day results in a fist to the cheekbone. MF ouch. Next day? “oh I’m sorry baby” plus excuses/blaming/promises. Guess what? Cheekbone still fractured!! The apology did NOT excuse or make up for the abuse. In any way. No “best” will make up for this “worst”.
Now here’s a literal, real world example from a former friend who loves this shit line (she) and a current good friend (he): they leave apartment and he thought he had keys for door. Get back at 10ish pm and turns out he grabbed the wrong key ring. She EXPLODES with blaming, name calling and other verbal abuse which lasts for HOURS. Next day, apologize and expect forgiveness. My response to this story when I heard it from him? Shock, sadness then anger on behalf of my abused friend. She was WAY out of line and flat abusive when it was a simple honest mistake relatively easily fixed with no real harm done. Except to his self-esteem, his personal power, his energy body, his confidence, his faith in himself. Now I’m going to start working in “emotionally abusive” language into our conversations when I hear this shit. Maybe it will jar him enough to re-evaluate some things. Some days, she’s super nice – but many days, she’s just a controlling, fearful girl who uses abusing others to feel safe. Not cool. SOOOO not cool. But it’s never her fault, of course.
So yeah. There’s the occasional “bad day” which I deal with and move on and it is NEVER okay to take it out anyone around me — EVER; and then there’s the person who has so many “bad days” that they become part of the character which has to be taken into consideration.
Listen to what people say, and take them at their word. If someone tells you, however veiled, that they are abusive in any form … walk away, and don’t look back.