Been working with a friend to remember dreams and inspire spiritual exploration. He asked a question about the character of my dreams that I never really thought about from that angle before.
See, the majority of my dreams feature violence in some form or other — usually a chase/defend/attack situation. It’s just the way of most of my dreams, so common in fact that yet another violent dream is par for the course. My friend, however, rarely dreams of violence. So he essentially said “have you noticed this giant massive pattern in your subconscious? Any thoughts on what it might mean?”
Talk about a duh moment. Yeah, that’s exactly a waving red flag that has been there so long I thought it was just part of the decoration. Having the question pointed out of course got to me to think about.
In general, I am not actually a violent person. I avoid confrontation pretty darn effectively, and yet my subconscious dream self has no issue at all with it. So what gives? What does it MEAN? (hehe)
Several people have told me that I seem to have an adversarial relationship with myself which features bullying and extensive verbal abuse, and sometimes even physical. After thinking about it, I had to admit that was pretty accurate. I would never in a million years say to other people the kinds of shit I say to myself, and so in the past year I’ve been working on treating myself with the same respect and compassion (or at the worst, indifference) that I treat others. I’ll even tell myself “don’t say that me” when I start calling myself names, and then restate the idea.
As an interesting adjunct, prior to my friend asking this obvious question, I’d been asking myself why was I so bound and determined to absolutely destroy everything good in my life? Why am I actively sabotaging myself so thoroughly right now? I can even see myself doing it, and yet I can’t seem to work up the energy to put a stop to it. As if I deserve to destroy everything, as if I’m not worthy of any of it so I have to take it away from myself.
WTF? What completely has my mind baffled is that my heart is all in with this shit plan. My mind rails and curses and attempts to bully to get some positive traction (to turn this boat around!) and I swear it feels like the heart is just set on entrenching itself in the mud like the fish in this post’s Featured Image.
I’ve been working on sussing out why. WHY? Then this dream question enters the picture, and I rethink the adversarial relationship with the self and a new answer comes to me: My mind and my heart are at odds because the mind has no idea at all what the heart actually values, so the heart sees no value in any of it while the mind is still clinging to external, imposed values and punishing myself for not living up to them. I try to convince myself with positive affirmations:
I am worthy. (reply: I am worthless.)
I am intelligent. (reply: I am an idiot.)
I have skills and talents. (reply: I am worthless.)
I am likable and loved. (reply: I am unworthy.)
For almost every positive thing I tell myself, I get back something to do with worth and worthiness. That’s what I’m slogging through now. That’s the challenge. *chuckles* <tangent> Saturn in Taurus on a 1st/2nd house cusp: challenges relating to values and self-worth. A lifelong theme. This amuses me. Greatly. </tangent>
So then the exercise is to identify core values, those values which drive me. It would be a useful exercise to revisit old dreams with the idea of “what value is being represented in this dream that is being battled?” While I know the odds of my actually revisiting dreams for this purpose is low, I can most definitely use this question going forward!