Random Musings, sexuality

Make it Fun

I had a post title that really just sums it up for me these days:

It’s more the idea than the reality that I like…

One of the many podcasts I like is Ending the Sexual Dark Age, though it’s been a while since I’ve listened to this one. One of his statements that had me darn near the kissing the radio in appreciation was his solid understanding of how women (or at least this woman) consider typically a variety of factors when it comes to having sex. He mentioned things like what was the schedule, how much attention would asked for, did she just do her hair or makeup, etc. OMG! I have been very impressed with this guy’s no-nonsense candor and urge everyone to listen to that show. Sure he delves very deeply into the kinky side, but that’s awesome. The more willing people are to even listen, the better off everyone will be. Definitely let’s take sexuality off the taboo table. Please.

Besides, I love his mantra: If one partner isn’t willing to go down (perform oral) on the other, that one’s a shitty lover.

Amen! Hallelujah!

Anyway, it was during this podcast that I realized, rather sadly, that these days I’m typically far more interested in the idea of sex than the reality of it. Why? Ultimately, it boils down to cost/benefit deficit. Having recently read Nagoski’s “Come As You Are” book, I now understand that I have sensitive breaks. I sure wish I’d learned THAT when I was younger – then again there are a great many things I wish I’d learned earlier. Dammit.

Mainly, I want sex to be dirty clean fun. Not goal oriented. Not perfunctory. Not following a script. No no. Flirt with me, dang it. ‘Cause I really want to flirt with you. *grin* No expectations. Just have fun with it. To play! I am absolutely, firmly in the Jack Harkness camp of sexuality – flirt like crazy because it’s fun, then have even more fun as long it mutually feels good. If an orgasm happens during that, bonus! If it’s not fun like that, nah. I’m good. Thanks.



Personal Growth, sexuality

It’s more the idea than the reality that I like…

I just recently discovered a new blog I’m enjoying – The Pearl Diaries. It’s about one woman’s journey through her relationship with her sexuality and she’s pulling in a number of the books I have read – “Come As You Are” by Dr. Nagoski being the most obvious since she references the ideas in that one A LOT. In the post I read today, she had an interview with a porn star and that reminded me of a conversation with a friend.

Now me, I happen to love porn in general. Yes, I am female and I have a porn stash. My first husband came from a fundamental Baptist family, so when I bought us our first porn CD he was a bit shocked. We ended up with a decent little collection, which he took with him when we divorced. Bummer. As an example of differing attitudes, there was family drama one day where my brother-in-law’s wife kicked him out of the house and wanted an immediate divorce. I asked why and she said she came home to catch him watching *drops to scandalized whisper* porn.

I stared at her, waiting for the shocking bit. Nothing. “Was it child porn?” *horrified* NO! “Was it barnyard porn?” *aghast* NO! “Ok. Was it snuff porn?” *mouth gaping* OMG, NO! “Ok. Was it kinky – like consensual non-consent or bondage or flogging? I can see that being a problem for you.” *narrow eyed glare, no reply* “So it was just regular porn? Just plain old … sex. And so you threw out a solid wage-earning, good, kind, thoughtful, supportive, loving man, the father of your children, for THAT?!”

Needless to say, this was one of our last conversations.

Back to my friend. Her ex-husband would tell her that he watched porn because she wasn’t “enough”, and her newest beau had a porn ‘addiction’ which she interpreted through the lens of her ex’s attitude. I had to interrupt her, shocking her by openly admitting my own interest in the subject and telling her I would actively use porn as part of foreplay – to jump start the battery, if you will. Well, that was back when I actually HAD a sex life. *sigh*

I feel that turning interest in sexuality and fantasy into a shameful or humiliating or punishment-worthy subject alienates the sexual relationship of any pairing. My attempt was to introduce the seed idea that porn can be her ally, not her enemy. I even shared that many men view sex as the ultimate sign of acceptance, and when the woman he loves isn’t interested then he could be hearing a “you’re not enough to interest me” message. Though few are aware of this, men and women often have different styles of sex drive (note – STYLES, not levels) it’s easy for miscommunication and hurt feelings to be the result of that difference. “You aren’t attracted to me enough to just want to have sex with me.” “You aren’t attracted to me enough to want to inspire me to have sex with you.” O.o

Well, my friend has emotional baggage with porn and she’s not willing to let it go yet so I’m not going to push it, but at least I gave her another interpretation which puts the ball back into her court. She can choose to be hurt and punish him just as she feels punished or she can choose to take the opportunity to open a dialogue which curiously explores their individual and overlapping sexuality. Personally, I generally prefer the empowering route for almost everything but it takes self-awareness and courage to discuss such deeply sensitive topics. Few are actually up for the challenge.

And the world hurts as a result.

Archetypes, Emotions, Personal Growth, sexuality

Boundaries Of The Incomplete

I’ve totally been hot-boxing all of the various series by Robert Ohotto that I have and every time he says something that sparks a thought or a realization or a question, I make a voice note so that I can remember all the sparks. In his “Creating Intimacy” series, he flat out says the Patriarchy doesn’t permit women to have boundaries.

Talk about a “duh” moment.

All those incidences where women’s polite “not interested” is responded to as if this was some code for “please continue the unwanted advances but up the aggression factor”? Disrespect for boundaries!

There are thousands of permutations on this theme that I can think of to illustrate this, and I’m sure you can as well. What’s fascinating is that, from my observations, those who are most likely to disregard boundaries are also unbalanced themselves. It’s like they completely steamroller attempted boundaries because they literally cannot tolerate them on a psycho-spiritual level, feeling the need for something outside of themselves to ‘make them complete’ – like a black hole sucking in everything around it.

“No! I don’t want to be sucked in!”
“Now don’t be rude. You’re just playing hard to get. I like it.”

It’s … pathological. (Apparently that’s my new favorite word.) I also think it’s part of the whole co-dependence thing I’ve talked about before, where an incomplete thing seeks to complete itself from outside sources. An inability or unwillingness to recognize the boundaries of that which is considered necessary for completion then begins to make some sense — as well as understanding why it affects some and not others.

Exactly how this can be meaningfully addressed is best left to those more educated than I am, but it’s an awareness that needs to be more widespread. Pointing this out for what it is, in a calm and rational way, is far more likely to get attention than shaming and blaming. Crucial Conversations teaches that the best and fastest way to shut down any form of communication is to put someone into a position where they feel they must emotionally defend themselves. Doing the shame and blame thing is an instant conversation killer and nothing productive will result from it — except for more shame and blame with increasing levels of  resentment.


Featured Image: That just totally cracked me up and had me laughing for a good hour afterwards. It came from a post on Anger Mentor entitled “How to Control Your Anger by Setting Solid Personal Boundaries.”

Hermetic, sexuality

Reactions Against Sexuality and Sex in Spirituality

I was going through some of my Voice Notes, reminding myself of things I’d wanted to explore a bit more. One of them was a reaction to the concept of sacred sexuality in the various Hermetic orders. Specifically, I was listening to a podcast with David Griffith and his Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn on the concept of Sacred Sexuality. This is a podcast available to the public, which is how I got my hands on it.

In his podcast, he was very careful to use the term “sexual polarity” throughout, and he flat out said that sexuality does indeed play a part in the Hermetic traditions.

There are those who became enraged by this admission, decided to interpret it through their own biases lens and immediately jumped on their little white horses to tilt at the windmills in righteous indignation.

What struck me most in listening to both sides of this argument is they while one speaks of sexUALITY and sexUAL polarity, the other is speaking about SEX. At no point whatsoever did Griffith even remotely imply whipping out body parts of any sort, yet this is exactly what the accusations and reactionaries were focusing on.

Huh. So when one is talking about the energy of creation and the desire for pleasure and/or union, the other is focused on the specific physical act. Talk about being in different stadiums!

Here’s a quote from my voice notes that I really like (I actually used the word ‘kerfuffle’ in this note. hahaha!).

Are you being offended by the concept of sexuality as a set of ideas being worked with (a tool), or as a physical act? Because these are not the same things. At all.

What’s interesting to me is the knee-jerk interpretation that one IS the other. Of course they are not, but that there is no distinction in the minds of those who condemn all aspects of sexuality and sex as having any role whatsoever in true spirituality is the part I find most fascinating. Tragic, but fascinating. I think ultimately what’s being objected to so violently is indeed the idea of anything even remotely connected with sex in any form or degree being used to further spiritual growth and development.

There are many different hooked chains that tie into why this association is so anathema to some. One of those is the duality between body and spirit, earth and heaven. All things ‘earth’ are ‘bad’, with sex being among the most vile. It makes no difference whether or not it’s sexUALITY or sex itself – it’s still *whispers* seeeeex. Either way, those are earthly and have no place at all in spiritual traditions.

Of course, for those who are not dualists, this set of associations is mindboggling and literally makes no sense at all. I think: “Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.” If you’re familiar with this joke, you’ll understand exactly what I mean.


I’m not at all sure exactly how to approach solving this problem, but by rephrasing the objections in terms which are less on-the-side and more direct, then the conversation might actually progress somehow. Maybe.


About the Featured Image: A drawing of the scene in the original Hellraiser movie. The artist is Jason Flowers and you can find this image here. I chose this one image because this is how I view the effects of negatively associating earth anything and spirit. We are earth based creatures, and villainizing anything physical just tears us apart one piece at a time.

Emotions, Hall of Mirrors, Random Musings, sexuality

Own Your Shit

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
– William Penn

Listening to the 4th (?) podcast from Life on the Swingset and the topic of today’s ruminations is Jealousy. That topic is in conjunction with Cunning Minx’s book “8 Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory” I think it was point number 3 – Own Your Shit.

I really don’t care if you’re into vanilla, BDSM, poly, swinging, monogamy or are entirely asexual, if you have a pulse and walk about in this world then I think the admonition to Own Your Shit is 100% spot on, and definitely belongs as one of the core tenants of Path of the Individual. (PotI, hehehehehe). In fact, that is the entire point of the Hall of Mirrors exercise.

First see your shit, then recognize “oh man, that’s MY shit”, then begin to own it. “Yeah, my bad, I’m (insert shit here).” I’ve said before, it’s not easy, and the mind is a tricky bitch sometimes. If I’m just simply not ready to own my shit, then it isn’t my shit and nothing you can say will make it mine. Until one day *bam* oooooh. That IS my shit. I’m sorry.

Case in point, sparked by today’s podcast de jour. I never thought I was a jealous person. Then something Dillon said, about exactly WHAT he was jealous of, suddenly had me recognizing that there are different KINDS of jealousy. My world view only had 1 kind of jealousy, and since what I was feeling did not fit those parameters then I was not feeling jealous. End of story and stop accusing me of it because it’s a lie.


Suddenly hearing someone else give an example of their jealousy and recognizing THAT is what I was feeling … and he labeled it … jealousy? *screeching brakes* Wait a minute. Then I was feeling jealous and just didn’t realize it. And because I failed to realize exactly what it was, what the source was, it went unaddressed. And festered.

No strong emotion is felt without some reaction. I think that’s what it’s E-MOTION. Outflowing motion. So I felt this thing and had to act on it. But because it was unrecognized, that shit wasn’t owned, and now having had the day to reflect on this I now realize just how very much damage I did to myself and those around me. I failed to own my shit, regardless of intention.

I went to a support group many moons ago and someone was talking about facing their jealousy issues and I really wanted to help them because the situation they were describing was exactly what I went through. Now I’m glad I kept my trap shut because I would not have been speaking honestly to him. Yes, I reconciled my jealousy. Not by solving it like a responsible adult, but by ripping the source out by the roots and killing it. That is the damage I caused to myself. Not seeing what it was and therefore being unable to address it because I couldn’t tell what it was, I killed it. I resigned myself to a half life and entered a sort of sleep walking mode in which I pretty much checked out of my own life. Solved that feeling problem! … Well, ALL of the feeling problems. But meh.

Not recommended. Seriously. Not recommended.

So how am I supposed to own this shit now, 2+ years later. Well, first up, explore exactly what was causing the jealousy. Precisely what was it. I was jealous that someone else was being given something he so desperately needed and wanted, and I was being denied. While I was THRILLED his needs were being met, I was jealous that mine were not.

Well now. Guess what I say to myself over that one? Own my shit. If my needs were not being met, guess who’s responsibility it was to ensure they are? Me. No one but me. Alas, I lacked the ability to even recognize what I was feeling, therefore couldn’t even articulate it. Without those two things, of COURSE it went unaddressed. Without being addressed, it was never resolved.

Like a child, I just expected that somehow my needs would be magically recognized and God would deliver unto me. Yeesh. The moment I gave away the power to satisfy my own needs (give me a fish) is the moment that I entered a slave state in which I get what I get, with no real say in the matter. Until I can hold in my hands the power to recognize and negotiate for the satisfaction of those needs (learn to fish), I’m left hoping someone else will somehow magically divine what I need and give it to me. Silly PotI!

Unfortunately, recognizing now that I was a jealous twat 2 years ago and that jealousy drove rage and resentment which corrupted a great relationship … Well that won’t fix anything. Doing the AA thing of apologizing is what comes to mind. That won’t undo anything, but at least it will let the hurt parties know that I’m now owning my shit. *sad sigh*

Wouldn’t it be a grand thing if we all were born wise, so that I wouldn’t have to hurt other people to learn such valuable things about myself? How much more sane would the world be.

So yeah. How to deal with “negative” emotions like jealousy. (1) Realize that it’s OK to feel jealousy. Truly, it is. First, get ok with that. It’s just emotion, neither good nor bad. What you DO with that emotion, that’s where constructive and destructive come into play. I think it’s actually a great big waving flag that some emotional need we have is not being met. It’s also a great big flag that right here is a point of insecurity.  Those are the 2 biggest contributors that I can think of to jealousy.

(2) Articulate precisely what is going into the jealousy mix. “He’s giving you something I can’t.” (insecurity) “You’re getting something I want for myself.” (unaddressed need) Etc. Bear in mind, it can be more than one thing. Keep going on the exploration until you find yourself repeating the same points over and over. The ones hit most often are the biggest component. Go behind the words to see the pain underneath. Try to sum it up with one or two words.

(3) Now that you can see the causes of the emotion, decide what to do about them. Doing nothing leaves the subconscious to deal with it, and believe me you don’t want that to happen. This is where owning it comes in, and a huge part of owning it is being frank about it and trying to figure out ways to resolve the problem. Talk it out either with yourself, out loud, or with your partner or friends. Be open to suggestions. It’s easy to be open when you decide that you want to resolve a situation.

Well. I think I’ve blathered enough for one day. All in all, a great day for self-realizations, even if they were unpleasant. 😉


Push the Button, Frank

Had dinner with a friend this evening. One of the things we talked about was the dysfunctional sexual attitudes prevalent in Western Society. She was wishing it was “acceptable” to talk about periods and all things associated with it. For example, she was stunned to learn not too long ago that ovulation pain is fairly common. That’s not taught anywhere, and it’s NOT something you can ask even your girlfriends. There is even less taught about what really happens during menopause. “You mean it can last up to 10 years!?!”

It’s this kind of frank discussion that I’d like to see more of, or rather “hear” more of. I hate asking a question about someone’s personal experiences and than having them stare at me as if I demanded they give me a kidney. Pulease. End the Sexual Dark Age! And while this sort of thing is not exactly what the author of that podcast/website was particularly thinking of, it is most definitely one of the side issues.

After this bit of lamentation, I mentioned that I thought it would not be a understatement to say that sexuality was at the core of what it means to be human. She disagreed, and went a step further. It’s what is means to be an animal. And therein, suddenly, became what could arguably be the reason sexuality got shoved into the darkness. We’re human, not animals. Indeed, this is the very reason that Darwin’s evolution hypothesis became instantly vilified. How DARE evolutionists propose that humans evolved from animals. Preposterous! And now begin the religious doctrine arguments.

There is a perspective that I harp on. That perspective is that a story is at the heart of all civilizations. That Story then guides everything. In our case, being a Christian society (argue all you want, this society was founded on Christian ideals and dogma) we have the story of Adam and Eve, and that God made the Earth as our plaything. For example, the story of Adam and Eve has been used to justify why women were treated as children and property for thousands of years – and you’ll hear the exact same stories and justifications even today around the world. The Story will tell you about the subconsciousness of a society. In our case, Christianity reigns for now and the Story states that God made man and woman in his image, perfect and fully formed. The animals and beasts of the earth are not human; they are different. Lesser.

Our sexuality is pretty damn primal. When it’s done right, it’s particularly animalistic and the entire point of the exercise is to feel good. Well that’s not very godly, is it? Nope. So let’s shove that into the closet and pretend we’re above all those base urges.

Which, of course, is total bullshit. It does, however, do a GREAT job of creating a control mechanism. Control individual sexuality, control society.

Now to the fore, coming out of the darkness and rising to awareness, are the alternative sexualities. There’s what Society Allows (monogamous missionary) and then there’s Everything Else. I read a shit ton of romance novels, and I can tell you that the sexual encounters in those fictional pages today leave very little to the imagination and are actually pretty darn good sexual training grounds. If a guy wants to be a fantastic lover, start with some Laurann Dohner or Lora Leigh (my first reading of an anal scene in popular romance) or, hell, most all major paranormal romance authors. It’s a lovely verbal porn fest, some better than others, but the formula for the male approach to sex is actually a very good, practical and effective one. Remove all the story, and focus on what he does. Goes down until she’s had at least one encounter with Treasure Type O and then he starts to get his cookie, while remembering to continue manual stimulation of the clit because these heroes know their dick isn’t magical. So yeah, modern romance is pretty darn no-holds-barred and I LOVE it. That said, it’s also still somewhat traditional. M-F monogamy rules, though a few intrepid authors have some trios (being romance, it’s always 2 men with 1 woman since that formula sells) and a few even have gay romance (shout out to Alanea Alder). Not really sure how true to actual guys those are, since they are written for women, but still. That is NOT something I would have seen on the bookshelves 20 years ago, hell, 10 years ago.

Times, they are a changing. I want to encourage and support that. I started just chatting up a friend of mine who’s like 15 years younger and before you know it we were casually talking about Switches and oral. And I do mean casual. He wasn’t hitting on me and I wasn’t hitting on him. It was AWESOME. More of that sort of frank discussion in more venues please.

Owning sexuality means owning responsibility for getting what we need, not only physically but also emotionally. Not everyone is cut out for M-F monogamy, and I say that’s OK. This is, afterall, the Age of Aquarius, and Aquarius is known for being a pretty accepting-of-the-unconventional energy. So go. Explore! TALK. Learn what you like, and accept yourself.

I think I’ve rambled enough here. The point is: yes, sexuality is very animalistic. And we’re animals. If that statement causes some issues, look at the Story you tell yourself. This is a classic “Hall of Mirrors” moment, and I invite everyone to look.


triple kudos if you “get” the full reference yet double entendre of the post title. 😉