“One of the most dangerous forms of human error is forgetting what one is trying to achieve.” – Paul Nitze
I was trying to sort through some things a few days ago, and used pages to make notes on. When the emotion was over, I went back and read what I had written. It was rather horrifying because everything I had written was based on entirely dodging responsibility. I think a better word would be “whiney”. My perspective was very whiney, and used excuses and “explanations” everywhere. When I finished reviewing, I was ashamed of myself. It was one of the catalysts for the Accepting Responsibility post, but still, that was me. Is me. No wonder people have been screaming at me to accept responsibility!
Then I started rereading the posts in this blog. Some of them are pretty good. Then I read something I had written which was actually really promising, only to then completely forget about. Dammit! One of the better such statements was this:
Oh man. The moment I read it, I remembered the events that lead up to this realization. Then I wrote it down, and promptly put it from my mind. Falling right back into old habits, habits like the whiney, excuse riddled logic of only 3 days ago.
Then in the Accepting Responsibility post I’m talking about learning how to see other people in order to see myself, and the only way to do that is to actively engage in the Hall of Mirrors. After this, I ran into this gem in a post I did a few weeks ago:
Based on these rather clear examples, in conjunction with information from other people, I keep having the same conversations over and over again. Despite that, nothing changes. Back to same ole, same ole. That’s beyond frustrating! That’s aggravating and rather insulting to those who took their time and energy to talk to me.
I keep forgetting the entire point of this process! What is the point? To be consciously aware of the 4 main parts of me (mental, emotional, spiritual & physical) so that I can live congruously. By that, I mean that all the parts of me work together in order to live fully. Ok, so that’s a bit abstract. I want to be able to bring all aspects of myself to bear on a problem or goal, and know that every kilojoule is working in the same direction. I know my mind for the most part, but know next to nothing about the heart. It zigs, and I zag … though of course, I am both. So I’m zigging and zagging simultaneously and people have no idea what to make of me. Most of the time, I don’t either. And this is why!
It’s like my mental self starts the process, but something shuts it down. I’m sabotaging myself by “conveniently” forgetting everything learned, discovered, marveled at. Then I have to rediscover it, only to yet again have it wiped out of active memory. I’m tired of running in this hamster wheel!
In order to help me remember the important things, I decided to write them down on a printed page. I carry this page with me, reading it often. The purpose is to remind myself of ground already covered so I can put the lessons into action. Only when I’ve got new exercises to report on will I finally move onto new ground. Until then, I’m rehashing, and rehashing.
I also need to reread these posts from time to time. They remind me of the successes, even as they remind me of the failures.
And here’s another failure — I was thinking about why I respond the way that I do in some situations. It suddenly occurred to me that I’m disappointed and continuously being hurt because I have some pie-in-the-sky expectation that isn’t being met, and I refuse to let go of. By not letting it go, I keep getting hurt, keep responding poorly. And here I had done a whole post recently on Great Expectations Deep Disappointments, but completely whiffed on this. Now I have to include “drop expectations and just let something be what it will be” on my list of things to remind myself of everyday.
*chuckles* I just had a scene from “50 First Dates” flash through my head. Where the main character wakes up every day with no memory, so she makes a video to watch first thing. This allows her to live her life, even if she can’t remember it. That’s what it feels like I’m trying to do with this paper.
“Good morning. Here’s what I need to remember that I’ve already done, decided on and promised….”