I’m on way home from the gym, damn near bursting with new ideas or insights that I wanted to explore here. Damn if I can remember a single one of them now. *sigh*
Dream recall isn’t going so well. Mainly because I’m not trying as hard as I should be, and the moment I use “should” … that’s a red flag. It’s a clearly visible red flashing neon sign that says “My heart isn’t in this, but my head thinks it runs the show and won’t listen to me.”
Armed with this awareness, I ask myself “So why isn’t my heart into remembering my dreams like I used to be?” The answer is there, a quiet little murmur which admits “I don’t like the messages.” Well. You know what? Tough titties. The fact that I don’t like the messages, that I’d rather stick my metaphorical fingers in my ears and chant lalalala while pretending that I never got said messages, that’s a cop out and it means those messages are vital and need to be heard.
Note that “hearing” something is NOT the same thing as “doing” something. I can say “yeah, yeah, I hear you, message received. Still ain’t doin’ nuthin’ about it right now. Sit tight.” To which the dream self can raise an eyebrow and then start upping the ante OR give a nod and return to business as usual, knowing that honestly the message was actively received.
Maybe I think if I can pretend I didn’t get them, then I can pretend that the dream self will definitely continue to be relatively benign about the messages. heh. More fool, me.
Today, for example. I woke up remembering very clearly two distinct dreams, both of which were a little on the disturbing side. Rather than write them down or review them, I actively said “I’ll check my Township” and then “I’ll check my Facebook” and “oh, look, now I need to get a shower” and after the shower, shucky darn, I ‘forgot’ those pesky disturbing dreams. *phew*
Dream self, she is not amused.
At least I’m getting better about honestly recognizing these moments, catching my own emotional run-arounds of avoidance. I’m really good at those.
What’s truly fascinating is that this insight into myself has allowed me to see some of the people geographically closest to me in a different light as well. Hubby was talking about being secure in the knowledge that the house was being well looked after now that I’m not the one doing it anymore, to which I raise an eyebrow but say nothing. I’m thinking “are you fuckin’ blind?? Do you not look above eye level? Nothing above eye level has been dusted in months. Have you tried touching your piano? It’s so covered in wax that I know for a fact that it’s being dusted with polish. And don’t get me started on the vacuum which is literally so full that it can’t hold any more and yet continues to be used.” This is when it hit me. He’s in a fantasy world, and he’s enjoying the fantasy. As long as the fantasy is active, he can literally overlook all of this stuff.
That got me to thinking about our relationship and I realized that is what had been bothering me – I had been enmeshed in his fantasy vision of the world. And he’s so angry at me now because I shattered the fantasy by proving to be merely human. Once an illusion is shattered, that’s it. Game over. So he’s got the “perfect relationship” on one side, which has me in stitches because I can see exactly the freight train bearing down the tracks while he’s skipping around thinking it’s a lovely meadow. On the other hand he’s got “the albatross who does nothing but weight him down and take his money” which has me agog because, again, I can see the reality and I’m not bothering to enlighten him. I am left in a quandary because in some respects, this man’s insight and acumen is genius — unless he’s emotionally attached. Then his vision is clouded with how he wants it to be, rather than how it is.
Damn. Of course, given any new insight I must first check in with myself. “Is this a projection? Is this actually my own shit that I’m throwing off onto someone else so that I don’t have to carry it?” This means pulling out my Hall of Mirrors checklist.
Is there a strong emotional reaction to the idea as it has been presented? *thinks* No. I’m not angry or accusatory, or enamored. It’s just an observation based on over a decade of association. I’m more surprised and disappointed with myself that I didn’t recognize it sooner.
Well. No more questions needed. This perspective does not appear to be a projection. You may proceed.
Ok. What now? How can I broach this topic? People generally don’t like their illusions shattered. Oh shit, especially when those illusions are what enables function. How … dysfunctional. Wow. So if I try to “free” him from the illusions, I suspect he’s just going to be even angrier at me. He’s already angry because our illusion shattered – from his perspective. I’ve seen him, warts and all, all along … ok, except for the illusion vision. That I didn’t have a name for but I felt something was off.
By now I’m totally rambling, and I still can’t remember the specific thoughts I had in the car on the way home tonight. *sigh* I’m sure they were awesome. *LOL*
I don’t want to remember my dreams because they might reveal something which will shatter my illusions.
*walks away laughing*