Speaking to Ourselves

I was listening to a Next Level Soul podcast episode with Pamela Aaralyn. In there, she mentioned something I’ve heard over and over, even said myself, but something about hearing it in that moment … well. Suddenly I heard it very differently.

To paraphrase, she said that everybody looks outside themselves for answers and guidance – but that everything we need is actually already within. When are we going to realize that the only one we’ve ever really been speaking to, is ourselves?

That statement in that moment in time was like a smack upside the head. See, I “hear” guidance all the time. But it’s said with my own voice. I’ve told that voice repeatedly that I’m not going to consider anything said with my own voice as any sort of valid guidance because clearly, it’s just me. And who am I?

And it’s never happened. The ‘guidance’ still comes, but it’s always in my own voice. Only ever in my own voice, within my own head.

In that moment, that same inner voice said without words – a sort of realization awareness spreading through me which I will now translate into words because this is a blog. “This is why the voice I hear is my own.” I had to just sit there and blink for a few minutes to really let this sink in. My inner-voice-guidance is in my voice because it IS me speaking to me. My own ‘higher self’ is me. My ‘God squad’ or spirit team or guides or whatever term you prefer, they are all me.

What I have to do is learn to differentiate or discern the difference between Ego Mind thought, aka Monkey Mind chatter, and the sound of my deeper self, my wiser self.

I’ve been working on learning those differences, and am starting to trust a bit. My ego self comes out with “way to go, stupid” when I blunder something, to which my higher voice comes back with a soft “is that a loving statement?” (By the way, enlisting my higher self to help me stop the ugly internal dialog was very helpful!)

The ego mind has a … vibration? a feel? to it that is like listening to the hum of electrical appliances when they are on. It’s so pervasive that it just blends in and we don’t notice it for the most part. But when that vibration, that frequency changes, that we notice. So the ‘feel’ of the ego mind is like that background ‘feel’ – because it is part of that everyday awareness. Hell, it IS that everyday awareness. But the other voice, the one with the insights that make me pause, that has a subtle difference in feel. I would say ‘lower’ but that connotation has baggage and can be interpreted as ‘darker’ or ‘lesser’ when that’s not at all what I mean. It feels …

Have you ever faced a wall and spoken aloud? The sound bounces back at you in a distinctive way. Then face a canyon and say the same thing. The sound is radically different. The Ego Mind is like hearing myself when I speak into a wall inches from my face, while the other voice is like saying the exact same thing while facing no obstacle. It’s hard to explain, but that’s the best I can do.

There was a single time I heard a voice not my own, and not within my own head. It was not part of the internal dialog at all. This was in that Junior year of college in which everything else profound happened. I had been practicing the mirror meditation, looking at the different faces which overlaid my own on the side I was not focusing on. After a bit of that, I went into the mundane practices of preparing for bed. I was home at the time, my parents and brother having already gone to bed. I brushed my teeth and had just looked up from rinsing when I heard a very clear, very calm, and very external male voice say my name.

I walked out of the bathroom and into my parents room and said “what?” They said “what?” I said “you just called me” and they said “uh, no, we didn’t.” I go into my brother’s room and said “did you call me?” to which I heard “snooooore” (not faking it, he was dead asleep). I went back to my parent’s room and confirmed again that Dad had not just said my name. I went back to the bathroom, stood in front mirror and went back into a mini meditation and said “What? I am listening.” Nothing. Crickets! *sigh* And that is literally the only time I ever heard a voice that could not be explained.

Spiritually Impactful Stories: Ink (Movie)

Another installment on my review of the various movies, tv shows, and books which have struck me strongly and helped guide my view of existence. This is a movie which is fairly unknown but is exceptional in all the ways. This is one that I can watch over and over again, and get something new out of it every time! I don’t remember how I managed to come across it, but I highly recommend you find a way to see it. It’s called Ink.

That said, far and away my absolute FAVORITE character was Jacob, aka The Pathfinder. Almost everything this character says, even the seemingly throw away lines, can be incredibly meaningful. What I like most about this character, other than his extreme wisdom, is his marvelous sense of humor.

Jacob: You know the downward spiral is essentially a chain reaction.

Allel: And nothing that comes out of your mouth makes any sense.

Jacob: They’re all reactions! One thing begets the next. A man has a weakness, he’s flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate… Something’s gotta stop the flow.

Ink

This character has the ability to see “the flow” – how one action leads to another. At one point, he studies the scene – noting all the elements of the flow – and finding one tiny action which leads to another to another to another … altering the flow. My favorite quote is him shouting “Shake the shit out of him!” in reference to sometimes, the only way to stop the flow is to cause something so dramatic that is shakes the shit out of someone and makes them see things differently. That’s a line I use often now, with most people just looking at me oddly.

Jacob: It takes humility to remember who we are.

Ink

But he’s not the only character that I really loved. There some lines and symbolism in this movie that is just fricking amazing. I can’t recommend this one enough, and if you do watch it keep an open mind and be willing to see all the many layers present in this fun, symbolic story.

Liev: Because I choose to see you for what you were intended to be, not what you’ve become.

Ink

Spiritual Impactful Stories: Razor Blade Smile (movie)

So this is a series I’ve been toying with for a long time — revisiting the handful of movies which really impacted me and gave me language for my own “take” on life. This is the first such post.

I will spare you from the supreme tedium of actually having to watch this movie. It’s called Razor Blade Smile, and while I enjoy B movies and thus had fun with this one, I would never willingly sit through it again. That said, the final minutes of this movie were complete and utter GENIUS. I also realize, it needed the entire rest of the movie in order to make those final moments really impactful.

You can read the plot synopsis on the IMDB site, and I will warn you, that this post will be the ultimate spoiler. So, alert. If you have this movie on your list of Must See but haven’t seen it yet, stop here, because I’mma ruin it shortly by giving away the twist at the end.

Essentially, the movie features a vampire who (I can’t remember the machinations for how) picks up a mortal to accompany her during this. It’s the culmination of decades of strife, and this mortal gets to see the end of a long string of bad and he’s all for stopping the evil after he unwittingly got embroiled in things. Along the way, more people are killed, he loses people he loves and is grieving but they have to fight the bad guy and … It goes on like this for pretty much the whole movie.

In the end, and this is the spoiler here, the main heroine vampire comes face to face with the bad villain vampire and they have this epic (hokey, cheesy) sword fight scene. The mortal who’s struggled and lost so much along the way is rooting for her to win. She wins! The bad buy is on his knees, her sword at his throat…

Then he smiles real big and tells her “Oh, you’ve gotten GOOD.” She laughs, tosses the sword away, he gets to his feet, they hug each other and, arms over each others shoulders, start to walk away.

Now the mortal is completely flabbergasted by this, shocked to say the least. Essentially, he’s like “what the EFF!” The vampire couple pauses, look back at this man over their shoulders, and she says the most fucking epic line I’ve ever heard. And it shapes so much of what I view our soul’s journey as.

“When you have eternity, you have to entertain yourself somehow.”

And then they continue walking away, leaving this poor man standing there.

Holy. flipping. shit. A marvelously terrible movie with a shear genius final line! I loved it and that is why it ranks as my very first pick for spiritually impactful film – though I seriously doubt that the writer or producer would ever think of it this way.

Every single time I hear someone ask “why would I choose to suffer in this life” that is the line I think of. My higher self, the eternal soul, is the vampire – while my ego-self PotI is that mortal.

I’m also a role player and a writer, and I know that every single character I create is facing some serious challenges. That’s what makes them interesting enough to play with! I had one character who nearly had a mental breakdown when one of her kids was killed. Apparently I played it well enough that the woman I was in the scene with had to excuse herself to go check on her own kids.

So why would the soul choose terrible challenges for the ego to deal with in a life? For the same reason I torture challenge my own characters – the challenges are what make life interesting! And by “interesting”, I mean present challenges that could lead to growth, or further the understanding of a topic. The best actors in Hollywood go for the roles that really stretch them – think Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, Jodie Foster in The Accused, Christian Bale in The Machinist, and Heath Ledger in the The Dark Knight. Those are some tortured roles, and only the best, strongest actors had the chops to take on those projects.

I think the same thing when I see people who’ve lived lives that have put them through the ringer: clearly as a soul YOU have the CHOPS, dude! Mad respect.

Would the character ever choose to live through the torture? Maybe, maybe not. But it’s not the ego that picks the starting point – however, it very definitely has the ability to pick the end.

“When you have eternity, you have to entertain yourself somehow.”

Razor Blade Smile